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Tweety Smith

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(9 concerns | care to share)

My sister is pissing pearls [22 Dec 2006|11:46pm]
When I mentioned that Christmas is a big movie day, as many people don't celebrate it, the conversation went as follows:

Her: Because they are celebrating Hanukkah and Kwanzaa?

Me: Yes.

Her: Well they are the Minority, they can deal with it.



Upon seeing a headline for intouch magazine that said "did they have boob jobs" and looking at Britney spears she quietly said aloud:

"She's full of milk, that's not a boob job."




She bought that magazine.

(2 concerns | care to share)

My sister is back with a vengence for the holidays [22 Dec 2006|01:59am]
Things that were actually spoken by her:

"Is Kwanzaa Black Christmas?"

"How do I turn on the TV?"

I hope she was thinking aloud for the second one.

(15 concerns | care to share)

But could a Sandwich Artist please make it [15 Dec 2006|09:07am]
[ mood | satisfied ]

So, every morning I have a bagel from this one bagel place right around the corner. Across the street from that is another bagel place that I'll get a sandwhich at from time to time, for funzies, and they have a pretty solid selection of juices. I was just going to get some welch's grape juice this morning from my breakfast bagel place, but in the moment I had to wait for the signal to change, I decided that I wanted a Nantucket Nectar Grapeade instead (a touch healthier, more delicious, and also more expensive). I'm glad that I made this decision because, as I waited to pay, who should walk into the store but Jarrod. That's right Jarrod of Subway fame. I didn't know if it was him (but that frighteningly sacklike skin stretched across bone is kind of hard to not recognize) and so I looked back at him after he passed me and he looked back at me. My look was to say, "I know you're Jarrod of Subway fame," and his look was to say, "Shit, he knows I'm Jarrod of Subway fame." I didn't do anything else, and pretty much ignored him, but had enough time to listen in on his order. He got off his blackberry, took a swig of the starbucks coffee, and spoke out his breakfast order that 8:45 am in New York City and it was two words:

"Hamburger. Cheese."

(3 concerns | care to share)

Forest Whitaker just might be crazy [06 Dec 2006|02:02pm]
I have to caption the "Inside the Actor's Studio" of Forest Whitaker, and he's been spitting out a lot of sentence fragments, and things that don't make sense. Here is a transcript of the final two minutes of the show:

Student:
HI, MR. WHITAKER, MY NAME IS HANK CHEN,
AND I'M AN ACTOR WITH THE M.F.A. PROGRAM,
I FOUND YOUR PERFORMANCE TO BE EXTREMELY, UH,
TERRIFYING BECAUSE IT WAS SO GOOD,
AS WELL AS VERY HONEST.
AND MY QUESTION IS,
HOW DO YOU GO ABOUT IDENTIFYING WITH--
SO DEEPLY WITH SUCH AN INSANE CHARACTER,
AND DO YOU-DO YOU EVER GET SCARED TO APPROACH A ROLE,
OR DO YOU SEE IT MORE AS A CHALLENGE?

Forest:

IN APPROACHING A CHARACTER LIKE THIS,
YOU-YOU NEVER WANT TO LOOK AT IT
LIKE YOU'RE PLAYING A-A DARK FIGURE, OR A DARK CHARACTER,
OR MAYBE THAT'S THE ENERGY, BUT YOU REALLY WANT TO UNDERSTAND
WHY--HOW HE THINKS, AND WHAT MOTIVATES HIM,
AND WHY HE FEELS THIS WAY.
BECAUSE THERE'S ALWAYS REASONS
SO I-I KEEP SEARCHING FOR THOSE REASONS
TO COVER UP WHATEVER IT WAS.
AND-AND-AND THAT'S HOW I-I FIND IT.
UM, AS FAR AS, LIKE, BEING AFRAID OF GOING,
I'M ALWAYS AFRAID, I'M-- WHEN I APPROACH A CHARACTER
MOST OF THE TIME,
I'M ALWAYS AFRAID AND IF I'M NOT,
THEN THERE'S NO POINT IN ME EVEN PLAYING THE PART.
I'M LIKE, "CAN I DO IT?"
"WHAT DO I NEED TO KNOW?
"WHAT AM I GONNA LEARN?
"OKAY, I'M GONNA PLAY HIM,
"I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN PLAY HIM."
AND IT DRIVES ME, BUT SEE THE THING IS THAT
FEAR FOR ME IS NOT DEBILITATING.
FEAR FOR ME IS--IT'S NOT-- I RECOGNIZE LIKE FIRE--
WALKING THROUGH FIRE, IS MORE OF A LIGHT.
MORE LIKE I'M WALKING THROUGH THE LIGHT,
IT'S LIKE MY ILLUMINATION
TO BRING ME TO WHERE I'M GONNA GO,
AS OPPOSED TO SOMETHING THAT'S GONNA BURN ME UP.
BUT IF I LOSE THAT THOUGHT OF, LIKE, YOU KNOW,
I HAVE TO GET HERE THROUGH THERE,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN,
THAT'S WHEN I'LL BE CONSUMED.
I WISH I COULD FIND OUT A WORD FOR IT OTHER THAN FEAR,
BUT-BUT I STILL SAY I'M AFRAID,
BECAUSE I-I AM,
IT DRIVES ME.
PUSHES ME HARDCORE.


I understand what he's saying, but it took me several times reading it through. Were I the student and just listening, I'd think he's crazy. Also the last word is my favorite part. I hope I don't get sued for this.

(5 concerns | care to share)

Once you pop that link cherry.... [21 Nov 2006|08:57am]
[ mood | sick ]

Here's the article:
http://www.canada.com/nationalpost/news/story.html?id=e137b8b3-7b9a-441d-8d44-092762954615&k=9609

Here's the long and the short of it:
Male chimps like older female chimps to have crazy monkey sex with. They are trying to figure out why that is but they believe it's due to lack of menopause/more experience.

Here's the best paragraph:
But it is more than an avoidance of young females that is behind this trend. Part of the project is to collect urine samples, either directly by means of a plastic bag on the end of a long pole, or by collecting it from the surface of leaves after the fact. This allowed the scientists to monitor steroid levels.

This sounds like they gave a bunch of bored middle age men the task of collecting chimp urine.

In other news:

Yesterday was fucking weird for three reasons. First, when going into work I saw a bus driver (school bus mind you) and a trucker fighting with each other. They were doing so by leaning out of their vehicles and shaking fists and shouting at each other. It was kind of beautiful but I don't remember what it pertained to. Second, I had a man call yesterday morning, while at work, and asked if we "did STD testing." In a confused, sick state, I asked he meant sexually transmitted diseases, and he did mean that. I kindly told him no. Third, I left work at like 11 cause I was sick and I went home and did nothing until fiveish, then I took a nap. For those who don't know, I don't nap. I can't really, unless I'm disgustingly tired, sick, or, to be honest, am with Lindsey and she wants to take a nap. Well, yesterday, I napped as I was the first two, and in my sleepy state, I figured what I would say to her when she woke me. Well, it came out as something like "You're just in time." I don't know what this means and neither did she. I tried explaining myself, which was difficult as my brain was mush, I was tired, and I myself didn't know what I meant, but, God, did I try to explain myself. About an hour later, I became sane, and had no idea why I'd done what I'd done. A very strange day.

(6 concerns | care to share)

[16 Nov 2006|06:54pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

So I've been gone from Livejournal for some time now. I'm sorry. Here are pictures and videos for you to keep you happy and inform you of my life up to this point. Well it really only focuses on two aspects of it.
Bathroom doorInside a stall where I work, more to follow and relatedly the show lostCollapse )

(11 concerns | care to share)

[15 Nov 2006|08:43am]
I don't normally post articles but this is so ridiculous that people must know about it:

http://www.playfuls.com/news_0003297_OJ_Simpson_Says_All_about_Killings_under_If_Cover.html

In many ways it makes me sick.

Ya'll will have a proper update about my life recently tonight, hopefully. That is "if" I've been living it. HOHO!



there will be pictures.

also:

If I had an igauna I would name it Martin or Cornelius. Were it a she it would be Oksana Baiul.

(3 concerns | care to share)

That was the best October 28th I've had in a very long time [29 Oct 2006|11:19am]
[ mood | hungover ]

When Lindsey and I wanted to leave the house party last night, I had Matt speak to someone who knew the number of a cab service. I called it and we waited outside for the cab to come. After a time a regular looking car drove up and asked if we'd called some sort of service and I walked over to the guy. Apparently he was our cab? It was all very weird, but he assured me that we had enough money (too much, frankly) and drove us to our destination. He had no license or anything of that nature, and It was seriously just a car. He kept talking to me, which I wish he hadn't because I could hardly hear him and I was very drunk. He kept asking me all sorts of questions, and eventually the conversation turned to law. He told me that he knew every law (except for certain areas, but I can't remember what those areas are at the moment, maybe maritime law) and I said, "Oh, do you want to be a lawyer?" He responded by mentioning that "they can get you, if you don't know the law in this country." At one point he added, "If they want you, they'll get you." It was all very strange, but we didn't have to ride the subway. Cheers to drinking.

(3 concerns | care to share)

my brother gave me a call tonight and i learned three things [21 Oct 2006|03:29am]
[ mood | drunk ]

1) He has another system for his DJ company.

2) He's looking into becoming a secret shopper.

3) He's running for governor of Michigan. I assume it's a grassroots campaign as he wants to get 100 votes, so the people in Lansing can take Notice. His runningmate is my friend Aaron, whom I was the best man for several years ago. Bosse/Foster 2006. Seriously. Vote for them.

(11 concerns | care to share)

Pictures from Tom's party, ever so long ago [03 Oct 2006|09:16pm]
I apologize for how long this took, again no explanationCollapse )

(13 concerns | care to share)

Lindsey and I went to the zoo (Like in June) [03 Oct 2006|09:15pm]
Here they are with no explanationCollapse )

(7 concerns | care to share)

I CAN have love if it's plastic... [28 Sep 2006|02:48am]
[ mood | giddy ]

let's be honest with ourselves here, we've (Lindsey and myself, not you) have been in New York for, pushing, two monthes now. I've stepped on a roach, got involved in a globe spanning advertising campaign/game, got a van towed, moved more times than I can count, seen Steven Tyler, and have finally, sorta, settled in. My job hours blow (5pm to 1am mon-fri), but that changed today when someone put in their two weeks notice and now I get to take her spot, so Lindsey and I won't feel like we're in a long distance relationship. Couple of things I want to mention:

1) I got me a computer monitor today and I'm back in the mac world, with this bad boy:


that's it behind me. Have a look at it this way:



I had to carry it threw the subway for a bit as I had trouble getting a cab in DUMBO. It was a long walk to the F train there. This was reiterated by the old asian woman who walked by me when i took a break on the stairs and said, "You still have a long way to go." I thanked her for her kind words and went down the remaining stairs, through the turnstile(actually i finally used the special entrance) and down more stairs to the platform, and boy did I get some looks. I got a cab later on in manhattan. I got that bad boy for 50 firm, and some back spasms as we speak, but it's all worth it. Now if I only had a computer deask that could accomodate it, that's why it's on the floor for the moment.

2) I've seen a trilogy of shirts with just words on them all being worn by old men (i.e. men with white hair and a hobbling or shambling walk). They are some of the best shirts I've ever seen, made only better by the people who choose to wear them and they go as follows:

-Nothing Exists

-Question Everything

-I'm Mr. Right

3) What about this?



or better yet, this?

(12 concerns | care to share)

[22 Sep 2006|02:21pm]
I thought I saw both Yoko Ono and Janet Reno yesterday.

Turned out to be two ugly people.

(4 concerns | care to share)

So... [09 Sep 2006|02:24pm]
When I parked the rental van near where I lived yesterday at like 1:30 I had stopped right before the really amazing, fast, fun section of the song Sao Paulo by Guillemots. I figured this would be the perfect time to hear that part where he sings over and over again:
thrown across water
thrown across water
thrown across water like a stone
and it's building one of the most beautiful cacophonies every recorded. It would be great to hear this when the van was full of our stuff and we were headed for our new home.
Well, little did I know just how absolutely amazing it would sound in the morning right after I'd almost hit Lindsey with the car because "The Linking," was undone when it was towed the night before because I didn't know what "No Standing" means, and only the morning because we went to the very wrong location (read bad) when we didn't know what the cryptic quick message meant when it said corner of navy and sands.

Goddamn did it sound good.

(3 concerns | care to share)

[06 Sep 2006|07:47pm]

(4 concerns | care to share)

I had no want to actually sign into livejournal at work, it was a nervous reaction and here we are [17 Aug 2006|12:15am]
I had to caption an "In the Actor's Studio" tonight at work, and I've never seen one before. I've seen a lot of impressions of James Lipton, but the one who does the best is James Lipton himself. I know that sort of thing has been said before, but I can't help it. That shit is fucking nuts. Time to remove the history from this browser.

(2 concerns | care to share)

[03 Aug 2006|01:29pm]
New York, New Toothbrush.

(6 concerns | care to share)

[25 Jul 2006|01:33am]
...and then my door fell off.

(2 concerns | care to share)

[09 Jul 2006|05:21pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

I wish I owned a pen knife, so I could say things like, "Don't worry, I jimmied it open with my pen knife."

(6 concerns | care to share)

They shot horses don't they. [15 Jun 2006|03:18pm]
[ mood | pessimistic ]

So here is the story of the end of my car...


Note: that"s not my car, but I thought it was when I saw it across the street from the shopCollapse )
I'll miss you Emaline, the only car I ever owned.

... we could lose ourselves crowds every day.

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